Mission Kinky
by Crimson1
Summary: The kinkiest mission ever for our dear SeeDs. Men in drag, guest appearances, and naughty fun. Don't miss out and PLEASE REVIEW!
1. The Mission

As we join are lovable Final Fantasy VIII characters, they have all gathered in Headmaster Cid's office.  
  
  
Cid- I'm glad you're all here. We have a new mission for you.  
  
Edea- Yes, a very important one. The reason we've asked for all of you, is that this is no ordinary assignment.  
  
Cid- Indeed. This will be one of the most difficult missions of your careers.  
  
*everyone looks pensively at one another*  
  
Raijin- This sounds heavy, ya know? What's the trouble?  
  
Fuujin- MONSTERS?  
  
Rinoa- Has Ultimecia been revived?  
  
Irvine- Is Timber Maniacs going out of business?   
  
Selphie- Do we get to blow stuff to smithereens?  
  
Zell- Has something happened to all the hot-dogs?  
  
Quistis- Did the Trepies commit mass suicide in sacrifice to the wonderfulness of me?  
  
Squall- Was Seifer's secret life as a kinky male prostitute who dreams of one day owning his own burlesque house for misunderstood villains from popular video games finally come to light?  
  
*everyone pauses their own rantings to stare at Squall. They then turn rather awkwardly towards Seifer*  
  
Seifer- What? You don't actually believe him, do you? *silence* This is /me/ we're talking about?  
  
Zell- Our point exactly, Lap-Dog-Boy. Or should I say......lap dance?  
  
Seifer- Shut up, Chicken-Wuss.  
  
Edea- Children, please. This is serious.  
  
Quistis- We're sorry, Matron. What's this all about?  
  
Cid- Well.....actually....Squall wasn't as far off as you might think.  
  
*everyone, once again, turns towards Seifer*  
  
Seifer- Stop it! Stop judging me! I......I......it's only on the weekends, ok?!  
  
Cid- No, no. This has nothing to do with Seifer. It.......wait. What did you say, my boy?  
  
Seifer- Nothing.  
  
Edea- Enough. Cid, explain the situation.  
  
Cid- Yes, of course. I'm sorry. You see, it appears a rather questionable establishment has opened up in Deling City. It's a......a......well.......  
  
Rinoa- It's a high class strip club. In drag.  
  
Edea- How did you know that?  
  
Rinoa-.......uhhh.....some friends told me about it......yeah!  
  
Cid- Anyways, it's called, "The Promised Land," and it's become quite popular.  
  
Irvine- So what's all the fuss about? Sounds like good Saturday night fun to me!  
  
Zell- Irvine, you do realize that it's men in women's clothing, right? Not actual women?  
  
Irvine- You're point be......I mean.....that's horrible! Sick! Terribly, terribly wrong!  
  
Zell- I knew there was something about that pony-tail.....  
  
Fuujin- QUIET ALREADY! FOCUS!  
  
Raijin- Yeah, ya know?  
  
Squall- Well, Irvine does have a point. Personal preferences aside, what's the problem with this place?  
  
Cid- Apparently, it seems this...place...is run by some individuals wanted in other areas. We've been hired by the protagonists of FF7, FF9, and Xenogears to investigate the club and discover whether or not their villains are in charge. If so, they'd like them apprehended.  
  
Selphie- You mean people like Sephiroth and Kuja? Oh, they are sooo sexy!  
  
Irvine- Sefie! You wound me......  
  
Selphie- Yeah right! You probably just don't want me to hog all the hot guys!  
  
Irvine- *looks innocent......though not convincingly*  
  
Rinoa- Geesh. I feel like we're living in the twilight zone.  
  
Zell- Don't say things like that, Rin! You never know who's listening. Suddenly some guys in black suits and dark glasses will come walking out of the elevator and........*trails off as some guys in black suits and dark glasses come walking out of the elevator......towards him*  
  
Scary Guy1- Are you Zell Dincht?  
  
Zell- Uhhh.....yes?  
  
Scary Guy2- Come with us.  
  
Zell- Wait, what's going on?!  
  
*Scary Guy's 1 & 2 take Zell's arms and begin to drag him back to the elevator. Everyone else stares on in shock, but no one moves to help him.*  
  
Zell- Help! No, stop! I'm too young and pretty to die! *sceams echo as elevator doors close*  
  
Rinoa- That was weird.  
  
Quistis- Anyone remember what we were talking about?  
  
Selphie- Hot guys?  
  
Squall- Seifer and Irvine's sexual preferences?  
  
Seifer & Irvine- SHUT UP!  
  
Rinoa- I think we were talking about a mission.  
  
Cid- Yes. Could we get back to that please. We need you all to head over to Deling City as soon as possible. The ladies will pose as customers at, "The Promised Land," and will be staying in the Galbadia Hotel. The men will be......they'll be......  
  
Edea- Undercover.  
  
Fuujin- SEX TOYS?  
  
Quistis- I'm liking the sound of this.  
  
Squall- Wait a minute. What do you mean "undercover"?  
  
Edea- You boys will go in disguise to the club's head office and interview for jobs.  
  
Squall- What? You can't be serious.  
  
Irvine- But.....what about Zell? He was just...abducted.  
  
Seifer- Don't worry about him. I hired those guys. He'll be back in the morning like nothing happened.......more or less. *eg*  
  
Cid- Then it's settled. Tomorrow morning you all head for Deling City. Our thoughts go with you.......and our prayers......  
  
Edea- And me!  
  
Cid- What?  
  
Edea- For.....support!  
  
Rinoa- This could be very interesting.  
  
Quistis- You're telling me.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
And you've all got to tell /me/ if you'd like this rant to continue. Please Review! Oh, how I've missed comedy!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Preperation

As we rejoin our lovable Final Fantasy VIII characters, the lovely ladies of the group have arrived in Deling City and our preparing in their suites at the Galbadia Hotel.  
  
Edea- Alright girls, time is ticking, and we need to look as little like ourselves as possible when we leave here.  
  
Fuujin- DISGUISES?  
  
Edea- Yes. It's possible these villains will know us on site if they are in fact running, "The Promised Land."  
  
Quistis- So, what did you have in mind?  
  
Rinoa- Wigs? New outfits?  
  
Selphie- Liposuction?  
  
Rinoa- Enough already! My thighs do not look fat!  
  
Selphie- I just said you could stand to loose a few pounds.  
  
Edea- Girls, can we please be serious. Actually, Rinoa was correct. *pulls out chest filled with wigs and multiple fragments of clothing* Dig in!  
  
*girls commence ransacking the chest, with minimal eye-gouging and hair-pulling. Amazing. Once through, they check out their new looks*  
  
Quistis- *in short, red, rocker-chic wig with halter top, micro-mini, and knee highs* It's about time I got to be sexy. Trepies, eat your hearts out........please.  
  
Rinoa- *wearing curly blue wig, black framed glasses, and goth get-up* Ha! That's nothing. Who's sweet and innocent now!?  
  
Selphie- *with long magenta wig, fedora, and feather boa* Wait, wait, what about me? How do I look?  
  
Rinoa- Like a penny-a-night-hooker. Oops, guess you didn't disguise yourself well enough.  
  
Selphie- What?! Wanna say that to my face, you flat-chested bi.....  
  
Fuujin- STOP BICKERING! HOW........how do /I/ look?  
  
*girls turn and star wonderingly at Fuujin who's wearing a trendy blonde wig complete with flattering red dress*  
  
Edea- *in short auburn wig, starlit gown, and long white gloves* You look lovely, dear.  
  
Selphie- Yeah, you actually look normal for once.  
  
Fuujin- .......bimbo.  
  
Selphie- What was that? I'm not used to you not yelling.  
  
Fuujin- NOTHING!  
  
Rinoa- I think she called you a bim......   
  
Fuujin- RAGE!  
  
*Rinoa gets cut off as Fuujin knocks the young sorceress' legs out from under her*  
  
Rinoa- Ouch! Why you little......  
  
Quistis- Guys! We have a mission, remember?  
  
Edea- Yes, we really should be heading to the club.  
  
Selphie- Right! Let's hit that PAR-TAY! Booyaka!  
  
Rinoa- You know, it's never cute when you do that.  
  
Selphie- Bite me, witch-woman.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Across town the "boys" are double checking their disguises as they wait for interviews with "The Promised Land's" head office.  
  
Seifer- I can't believe we're going through with this.  
  
Irvine- It's not so bad. I kind of like the new looks.  
  
Squall- That's because we still look like men.......most of us, anyways. Once costumes come into the picture.......I shudder at the thought.  
  
*the disguises are merely wigs for the team......so far. Seifer's wearing a long silver wig, Squall has a shaggy black one, Zell went for red, Raijin went so far as to shave his head, and Irvine actually dyed his blonde and released the pony-tail. Scary*  
  
Raijin- Costumes? This is freakin' me out, ya know?  
  
Squall- I'd say the same, but it doesn't scare me nearly as much as Zell. What the hell did those guys do to him, Seifer? I thought you said he'd be ok.  
  
*Zell has not spoken any coherent words since mysteriously appearing back at Garden that morning. He just lets himself get led around by the others, rocking back and forth while mumbling nonsense whenever he's on his own*  
  
Zell- .......uhh.....no......err......more.......chi....cken......  
  
Seifer- I guess they went a bit overboard. Kinda fun though. Hey, Zell.........POULTRY!  
  
Zell- AHHHHHH!  
  
Irvine- Sweet! Let me try! Oh, Zell........ROOSTER!  
  
Zell- NO! SAVE ME!  
  
Seifer- CHICKEN!  
  
Zell- HELP!  
  
Irvine- HEN!  
  
Zell- EEYYAAHH!  
  
Seifer- DUCK!  
  
Zell- PLEASE, NO MORE!  
  
*Irvine and Seifer fall over each other laughing*  
  
Squall- Stop that! Seifer, look what you've reduced him to!  
  
Zell- *huddled in the corner, hugging knees, rocking like a mental patient* .....save the chicken......save the chicken........won't someone please save the chicken........?  
  
Raijin- This is better than cable, ya know?  
  
Seifer- Ya see, it's all in good fun.  
  
Squall- Seifer, we need Zell for this mission. I don't think he'll be too affective pecking at the ground. He's bird-brained enough as it is. Snap him out of it. Now!  
  
Seifer- Ahh, you're no fun.  
  
Squall- Seifer!  
  
Seifer- Ok, ok. They brain-washed him to believe he was a real chicken-wuss. Fear and feathers. Heh, gotta love the combination. Anyways, he should snap out of it if he eats some chicken.  
  
Irvine- Where are we going to find chicken here? We go in for our interviews in five minutes.  
  
Squall- I guess we'll just have to deal with him like this until the interview's over.  
  
Zell- *tugging on Squall's pant leg* .....where are my feathers?  
  
Squall- I'm going to kill you Seifer.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Part two! Next comes the interview! Keep reviewing peoples, and I'll keep writing!  
  



	3. So Far So Good

Checking back in with our lovable Final Fantasy VIII characters, the boys have just been asked into the head office for their interviews with "The Promised Land's" owners and main headliners. A silver-haired man sits behind a large desk, flanked by two other men with silver hair. All three are flamboyantly dressed, complete with dark makeup.   
  
Silver-haired Man #1- So, my associates tell me you boys would like to join our establishment.  
  
Squall- That's right.  
  
Irvine- It's always been our dream.  
  
Silver-haired Man #2- Really? Why is that?  
  
Irvine- Oh, you know how it is. Older sister paints you up like a barbie doll one too many times, you start liking it.  
  
Silver-haired Man #3- *looking at Seifer* And what about you?  
  
Seifer- Me? I....uhh....well.....it's the support hose. Can't live without 'em.  
  
Silver-haired Man #1- Uh huh. And what about you, young man? *turning towards Zell* You've been rather quiet. Why would you like to join, "The Promised Land"?  
  
Zell- ......please don't touch the drumstick.  
  
*Squall glares at Seifer who starts whistling innocently*  
  
Silver-haired Man #2- Oh, you wouldn't have to worry about anything like that......yet.  
  
Silver-haired Man #1- Well, everything seems to be in order, and we have been looking for some new talent. You boys can start tonight.  
  
Silver-haired Man #3- All you need now is the right costumes.....  
  
Silver-haired Man #2- And your drag names.  
  
Squall- Drag names?  
  
Silver-haired Man #2- Of course. You have to have drag names.  
  
Silver-haired Man #1- Don't worry about it too much, though. The trick is to take the name of your first pet and the first street you ever lived on. If it sounds a bit off, you can always try switching them around, or improvising a bit.  
  
Silver-haired Man #3- You can meet with our costumers down the hall. Once they've gotten some ideas just tell them what you've come up with for names and we'll put them on the program.  
  
Squall- Alright. Thank you very much.  
  
Irvine- It'll be an honor working with you.  
  
*boys start to leave, but Raijin suddenly stops and turns back to the silver-haired men*  
  
Raijin- I don't mean to be a pest, ya know? But......why didn't you ask why I wanted to join?  
  
Silver-haired Man #1- We just figured it was because you're gay.  
  
Raijin- Oh, ok. *starts to leave* WHAT?!  
  
  
*****  
  
  
*A few minutes have passed, and the boys are waiting just outside the costume room thinking up names while waiting for Irvine to get back with some chicken*  
  
Seifer- Well.......according to my papers from the orphanage I lived on La Rue Avenue before the Sorceress War, and my cats name is Muffy. I guess that makes me.......Muffy La Rue.  
  
Squall- *snickering* Muffy...La Rue? *bursts out laughing*  
  
Seifer- Oh, shut up. I'm sure yours is just as bad.  
  
Squall- Well, I lived on Paris Road, but I've never had a pet.  
  
Raijin- Every kid's had a pet, ya know? You must have had one once.  
  
Squall- Hmm.......oh! There was my pet rock......Valentine!  
  
Seifer- Pet....rock?  
  
Squall- I loved that rock.  
  
Raijin- Guess that makes you Valentine Paris, ya know?  
  
Seifer- How about Paris Valentine? Sounds better.......if that's possible.  
  
Squall- I suppose I can live with that. What about Zell?  
  
Seifer- He's still out of it.  
  
Zell- *wobbling around, moving his arms like a chicken, while pecking at the ground*  
  
Seifer- Always knew he was a little pecker.  
  
Irvine- Not for long! I've got GFC! (That's Garden Fried Chicken, if you're curious)  
  
Seifer- Unless that's miracle chicken, I don't think it'll make much difference.  
  
Squall- As long as he's back to normal, I don't care. Come here, Zell, we've got a treat for you.  
  
Zell- You're not going to touch the drumstick, are you?  
  
Squall- God, no! Just eat this.  
  
Irvine- *lifts lid on bucket* It's extra crispy!  
  
Zell- AHHHHHH! CHICKEN!! KEEP AWAY, KEEP AWAY! *runs away from the others down the hallway*  
  
Seifer- Get him!  
  
*chase ensues. In the end, the boys succeed in tackling Zell to the ground, while stuffing chicken down his throat*  
  
Zell- No, please no! I......I......hey! This is pretty good. *Zell begins to devour the chicken on his own*  
  
Squall- Does this mean he's going to start acting normal?  
  
Seifer- Like that would ever happen. But I think he'll start acting like himself again.  
  
Irvine- Maybe we should test it out.  
  
Squall- Good idea. Hey, Zell?  
  
Zell- *with mouth full of chicken* Yeah?  
  
Squall- GOOSE!  
  
Zell- No offense......but I'd rather you stayed away from my butt.  
  
Squall- What? No, that's not what I........oh, guess he's cured.  
  
Seifer- Time to pick a drag name then, Chicken-Wuss.  
  
Zell- This day just gets better and better. Well, I remember most of what happened while I was.....whatever the hell I was. Which, by the way Seifer, I'm seriously going to make you pay for once we're through with this mission. Anyways......let's see.....I lived on Charmaign Boulevard, and my dog was......Fifi!  
  
Irvine- Fifi?  
  
Zell- It was a poodle.  
  
Seifer- You had a poodle.......named Fifi?  
  
Zell- Stuff it. I may be Fifi Charmaign, but I can still........  
  
Seifer- Fall on your face?  
  
Zell- What....? *hits the ground hard on his face as Seifer kicks his legs out from under him*  
  
Seifer- See what I mean?  
  
Zell- Why you.....!  
  
Squall- Can we please hurry up with this! Raijin, what's your drag name going to be.  
  
Raijin- I don't think mine will work, ya know? My first dog's name was Steve.  
  
Squall- What about your street?  
  
Raijin- Abner Drive. Not really drag material, ya know?  
  
Squall- They did say we could improvise. How about.......Tabby Stevens! It's kind of close.  
  
Zell- Hey, that's pretty good, Squall.  
  
Squall- It's what the authoress' drag name would be.  
  
Zell- Author-what?  
  
Squall- Nothing.  
  
Seifer- Guess that only leaves you, Cowboy.  
  
Irvine- But I don't know what street I lived on, and all my pets died before I could name them. Even the ficus.  
  
Raijin- You already got a great name, ya know? Just be "The Cowboy".  
  
Irvine- It's not really a drag name, though.  
  
Seifer- It is if you're "The Cowgirl".  
  
Squall- Good, then the names are settled. We have to try and figure out who those three silver-haired men are.  
  
Irvine- Wait a minute! I'm not gonna be "The Cowgirl"!  
  
Squall- Irvine.....my patience is running thinner than Cid's hair. If you push me any further.......I'll do alot worse than just touch the drumstick!  
  
Irvine- Do you think a long skirt would do injustice to my calves?  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Part 3! Next comes costumes and the girls getting info in the club. Keep Reviewing!  
  



	4. What To Wear...?

Once again we join our lovable Final Fantasy VIII characters, where the boys are discussing costume options with "The Promised Land's" head costumers.  
  
Costume Girl- Girlfriend, with legs like those, I got the perfect ensemble for ya.  
  
Seifer- Really?  
  
Costume- Sure, toots. It's this little red sequin number. You'll love it.  
  
Seifer- Sequins?  
  
Squall- *nudging Seifer in the ribs* Just what you were hoping for, right....Muffy?  
  
Seifer- Oh yeah. Can't wait.......Paris, sugar. *with an evil smirk reaches back and pinches Squall on the butt*  
  
Squall- *feeling a deeply strong urge to wring Seifer's neck, though trying to keep cool while the costumers are around* Oh, /honey/, I thought you said you wouldn't get so touchy feely in public anymore.  
  
Costume Girl- You two together, huh?  
  
Costume Boy- Told you so, Charlene. I can always spot a pair.  
  
Irvine- Good eye then. These two have been hot 'n heavy for nearly two years now. Right.......ladies?  
  
*Squall and Seifer stare at each other awkwardly*  
  
Zell- *shuddering at the thought of Squall and Seifer together* So, what did you guys have in mind for me?  
  
Costume Girl- Hmmm........something about ya just screams........feathers! Don't ya think, Remy?  
  
Costume Boy- Bird of Paradise material for sure!  
  
Zell- Not more birds........  
  
Irvine- That's not what you said last night when I was tieing you to the bed with a feather boa......my little chicken wing.  
  
Zell- *backing away rather frightened as he whispers* You gettin' way too into this, man.  
  
Costume Girl- What about this darling cinnamon stick? *referring to Raijin* Thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?  
  
Both Costumers together- Arabian Nights!   
  
Costume Boy- A long dark wig on that clean-shaven head.....you'll be stylin, sweetheart.  
  
Raijin- I'm gettin' a sick feeling, ya know?  
  
Costume Girl- What was that?  
  
Squall- He said......he's raring to go. Right, Tabby?  
  
Raijin- Uhh......sure, ya know? Can't...wait.  
  
Irvine- My turn! I was thinking of something........  
  
Seifer- In buckskin. Our little Juliet here wants to be a cowgirl. Ain't that right?  
  
Irvine- *glaring daggers at Seifer* Righty-O there, Muff. Thanks alot.  
  
Seifer- My pleasure.  
  
Costume Girl- Guess that only leaves you then, sexy. *grinning at Squall*  
  
Squall- Have anything in leather?  
  
Costume Boy- Oooo, bad boy, huh? *gives Squall seductive look*  
  
Squall- *feeling cornered* Not really. I just......uhh.....really hate cows. Yeah.  
  
Costume Girl- Well, I think I got just the thing. We'll meet you folks back here in 30, k? Then we'll help you get ready for your first show. Excited?  
  
Seifer- Thrilled.  
  
Costume Boy- See you around then.  
  
*Costumers leave*  
  
Seifer- Remind me to kill Cid and Edea for this.  
  
Squall- Get in line.  
  
Zell- So, what do we do now?  
  
Raijin- Still need to figure out who the owners are, ya know?  
  
Squall- Raijin's right. I couldn't really tell with all the makeup they had on, so we'll have to think of something besides on sight to find out.  
  
Zell- We also gotta figure out what evil scheme they've got workin' with this place. Can't be doing it just for fun.  
  
Seifer- Why not? Maybe they're just trying to........turn a very weird new lease on life?  
  
Zell- You kiddin'? Once an evil villain, always an evil villain.  
  
Seifer- Wanna say that again.....Fifi?  
  
Zell- Errm.....no?  
  
Seifer- Didn't think so.  
  
Squall- Guys, please. Let's think. The girls should be arriving at the club soon. Maybe they can get some info on those three men while they're downstairs.  
  
Irvine- Good idea. *whips out cell* I've got Selph on speed dial.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
*Downstairs the girls have just arrived at the club*  
  
Fuujin- *looking from side to side as they walk through the doors* FRIGHTENING!  
  
Selphie- I think it's cool! So sparkly and bright.   
  
Rinoa- Is that guy wearing a thong?  
  
Quistis- Doesn't leave much to the imagination.  
  
Edea- *sighing* Brings back memories......  
  
Quistis- What?  
  
Edea- Of when Cid and I first met.  
  
Rinoa- Really? Were you working at some flashy club as a cocktail waitress and he was the bouncer?  
  
Edea- Something like that.  
  
*entering main hall*  
  
Waitress- Can I get you ladies a table?  
  
Selphie- Something up front please.  
  
Quistis- *whispering to Selphie* Maybe we should try and stay less conspicuous.  
  
Selphie- And miss Irvy's performance? No way!  
  
Rinoa- She's got a point there. Lead the way, Miss.  
  
Waitress- Just follow me. Oh, and by the way, that's the best drag I've ever seen. For a second I almost thought you were real women.  
  
Fuujin- WHAT? RA...!  
  
Quistis- *throwing hand over Fuujin's mouth* Thanks, we try.  
  
*girls take seat at table up front*  
  
Selphie- So, what do we......  
  
*gets cut off by a familiar sound coming from.....somewhere*  
  
Selphie- What's that?  
  
Rinoa- I think your butt is ringing.  
  
Selphie- Guess I shouldn't have had that extra spicy chocobo burgur for lunch, huh?  
  
Quistis- Uh, Sef, isn't that your phone?  
  
Selphie- Huh? Oh, right. *reaches back and takes out cell*  
  
Edea- Maybe the boys are checking in.  
  
Selphie- Hello? Hey, Irvy!  
  
Fuujin- DRAG?  
  
Selphie- Fuujin wants to know if you're pretty yet. *listens* They're still waiting for their costumes, but they're on tonights program.  
  
Edea- Wonderful. What is it they need?  
  
Selphie- Hey, sweetie, why you callin? *listens* Gotcha. They got a job for us.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Part 4! I'm really cooking! Please keep on telling me what you think. :-)  
  



	5. Out of the frying pan...

Yes, you guessed it, we are once again joining our lovable Final Fantasy VIII characters. Quistis, Rinoa, and Fuujin are out exploring the club for info while Selphie and Edea decided to hold their table up front to avoid suspicion.   
  
Quistis- So, where do we start?   
  
Rinoa- The guys said they needed us to try and figure out who's running this place.   
  
Quistis- I guess we could ask a waitress, or maybe the bartender.  
  
Fuujin- SUSPICIOUS!  
  
Rinoa- Fuujin's got a point. We don't wanna be too obvious.  
  
Quistis- Hmmm......If we went backstage and asked around it might be easier to slip it into the conversation.  
  
Fuujin- *looks nervous* BACKSTAGE?  
  
Waitress- Ummm, excuse me? Would you mind lowering your voice? You're disturbing the other customers.  
  
Fuujin- RAGE!  
  
Quistis- Down girl! *elbows Fuujin in the side* We'll make sure she behaves.  
  
Waitress- *nods, backing away fearfully as Fuujin gives her deathlook*  
  
Rinoa- Dear Hyne, you've gotta calm down, Fuuj. Do you always have to overreact and be so loud?  
  
Fuujin- AFFIRMATIVE!  
  
Quistis- We are undercover, remember? I'd say this was a good time for a lifestyle change.  
  
Rinoa- Quis, think about that statement you just said and where we are right now. That didn't come out quite right.  
  
Quistis- *furrows eyebrows thinking, then realizes....* Oops.....well, you get my meaning.  
  
Fuujin- I.....I......it's not my fault, ok? I just can't break the habit.  
  
Rinoa- What do you mean? What made you start talking like that in the first place.  
  
Fuujin- Well, it was a long time ago....  
  
*screen does that nifty wobbly thing that always happens before a flashback. We are now in a dorm room at Balamb Garden, 10 years ago*  
  
Young Fuujin- I guess this isn't so bad. Maybe I'm going to like living at Garden.  
  
Young Raijin- *bursts through the doors* Hey, ya know? I'm your new roommate, ya know? Names Raijin! Like lightening, ya know? I hear your name's Fuujin. That means wind, ya know? We're like a storm together, ya know? We're gonna be inseparable, ya know? Can't wait to get my things unpacked, ya......  
  
Young Fuujin- QUIET! Sheesh, don't you ever shut.......  
  
Young Raijin- Wow, you can yell really loud, ya know? I didn't know girls could do that, ya know?  
  
Young Fuujin- Girls can do anything! And what's with all that "ya know" crap? You're like some cheap teen statistic rip off out to make fun of the Generation X crowd because we're all doomed to speak mall talk after too much TV and junk food........or something.  
  
Young Raijin- Wow, and you say I talk alot, ya know? Hey, did you hear about the.....?  
  
Young Fuujin- I don't care! You're really starting to piss me off, ya know? I mean......errm.....damnit!  
  
Young Raijin- Ha! See, it's easier than you think, ya know!  
  
Young Fuujin- Why you little......*doesn't notice as a Young Seifer walks into the room* RAGE! *commences pummeling Young Raijin*  
  
Young Seifer- Wow, you're pretty tough. Don't meet many girls like you around here.  
  
Young Fuujin- *looking up from her handiwork at Seifer, at a loss for words, knowing he's the young boy who's decided to start up a Discipline Committee to keep students in line* I....I.....ANNOYING! *points to Raijin*  
  
Young Seifer- Yeah, I know. Still makes a good sidekick for the new DC, though.  
  
Young Fuujin- *afraid to get in trouble* FORGIVE?  
  
Young Fuujin- With a voice like that? You're perfect for the DC. Come to my room for the meeting in 10 minutes *leaves*  
  
*Both Young Fuujin and Young Raijin watch Young Seifer leave with dreamy looks on their faces*  
  
Young Fuujin- Wow......he's so.....so......  
  
Young Raijin- Tell me about it.  
  
Young Fuujin- *gives him angered yet horrified look* RAGE!  
  
Young Raijin- AHHHH!  
  
*screen once again does nifty flash back thing as we're returned to present time*  
  
Fuujin- So, you see, I thought I had to talk that way to impress Seifer. Besides, it was the only way to get Raijin to shut up!  
  
Quistis- I can't believe it.  
  
Rinoa- No kidding. I never knew Raijin was hot for Seifer.  
  
Quistis- Hey, princess......focus?  
  
Rinoa- Sorry.  
  
Fuujin- Anyway, I promise I'll be good. At least until we meet up with the boys.  
  
Quistis- I guess we can live with that. So, how are we going to get backstage?  
  
Rinoa- One of us could pretend to be a performer. But who looks enough like a guy to pull it off?  
  
*Quistis and Fuujin look at each other with a grin and then turn to Rinoa*  
  
Rinoa- I resent that!  
  
Quistis- You can pretend you're taking us back to show us around.  
  
Rinoa- *being dragged towards the back by Quistis and Fuujin* But, if you're coming, why can't we all pretend to be talent?  
  
Fuujin- It's more believable this way.  
  
Rinoa- But, wait a minute.......  
  
  
*Meanwhile, upstairs, the boys are all in their costumes, trying to sneak back into the head office to look for info before the show starts*  
  
Squall- I can't believe I'm wearing this.  
  
Seifer- You're the one who asked for leather.  
  
Squall- Not white! And certainly not this little of it! *Squall is dressed in a ribbon thin tube top and micro mini, both made of.....white leather. And that's ALL he's wearing :-)  
  
Irvine- Don't sweat it, Squally. Not like you need that much to cover......../that/.  
  
Squall- What's that supposed to mean?  
  
Irvine- Nothing. *eg*  
  
Raijin- I kinda like mine, ya know? Not as scary as I thought it would be. *wearing eastern belly-dancer type get-up*  
  
Seifer- You want scary, just wait till you're taking it off.  
  
Raijin- *looks woozy*  
  
Zell- You're one to talk! You look a bad impression of Jessica Rabbit!  
  
Seifer- *in red, sequin gown much like Jessica Rabbit's from "Who framed Roger Rabbit"* Shut up, Chicken-Wuss. Besides.......this thing does wonders for my figure.  
  
Zell- *stares* Uh huh.......anyway......can we hurry it up, these fathers are chaffing me! *wearing something that looks like a cross between a peacock and a very angry parot* Do you have any idea what it's like to have feathers tickling your......  
  
Squall- Dear Hyne, I beg you not to finish that sentence! I have enough evil thoughts in my head already to warrant a lifetime of therapy sessions.   
  
Irvine- Calm it, Squally-poo. Or is"The Cowgirl" going have to rope you into submission? *dressed in something out of a bad western flick, complete with pig-tails*  
  
Squall- You ARE getting too into this.  
  
Seifer- Finally! We're back at the offices. Hmmm, doesn't seem to be anyone around. Should we try and sneak inside?  
  
Zell- *jiggles door handle* It's locked. Need me to pick it? *whips out lock pick tool set from......somewhere*  
  
Irvine- Where on earth were you hiding that?  
  
Zell- You don't wanna know.  
  
Squall- Just hurry up with it, Zell. We'll keep watch.  
  
*Just as Zell is about to start working the lock.......*  
  
Costume Girl- There you boys are!  
  
Seifer- *stepping in front of Zell to block him as the young blonde frantically tries to re-hide his tool kit* We were.....uhhh.....looking for.....YOU!  
  
Raijin- Right! But.....errrm.....we got lost, ya know?  
  
Irvine- So.....we figured we'd check and see if the bosses could......could.....  
  
Squall- Point us in the right direction.  
  
Costume Girl- *completely oblivious to what the boys had been up to* Won't find them around here anymore. They're downstairs gettin' ready. And you better hurry your cute buns up, too. Know why?  
  
Zell- *stepping out from behind Seifer, with.....no tools in site* Do we wanna know?  
  
Costume Girl- You sure do! Cause sweethearts.......IT'S SHOWTIME!  
  
Squall- Someone please shoot me......  
  
Costume Girl- What was that, hun?  
  
Boys Together- NOTHING!  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Part....ummm....5, is it? Sorry I got behind, but I need to be in a comedy mood. Still want more? Keep saying so! :-)  
  



	6. ...and into the fire!

Gee, do you think we're about to join our lovable Final Fantasy VIII characters? You betcha! The boys our preparing to go on, and Quistis, Rinoa, and Fuujin are backstage digging for info. Let's see how the boys are doing first, shall we?  
  
  
Zell- ......nice, nice icee......nice, nice icee......  
  
Squall- What are you doing?  
  
Zell- My, 'life is scary and I need to keep my mind on happy thoughts', chant.  
  
Seifer- So you say, 'nice, nice icee'?  
  
Zell- I love icees. Ever since I was a kid, and Ma took me to the Balamb Carnival, I've thought about those wonderful, frozen drinks whenever I'm scared. Those carrousels are frightening.  
  
Irvine- Carrousels? The rides that go round and round on fake horses?  
  
Seifer- You're a sad, sad, little man, Chicken-Wuss.  
  
Zell- Hey, I'm just trying to keep my mind off the fact we're about to go strip off these ridiculous costumes in front of a bunch of crazy women.......  
  
Raijin- And men, ya know?  
  
Zell- Don't remind me! And what is it all for? We still don't know who's running this place, and if these feathers don't stop chaffing my.....  
  
Squall- Shut up! Do you think this is any easier on the rest of us? You can hear that music, the wild screams, can't you? I can't take it! I'm loosing my mind! I....  
  
*Seifer slaps Squall across the face to calm him*  
  
Squall- Thank you. Anyway, we have to stay calm and suffer through this. If we chicken out now, we'll never finish this mission.  
  
Raijin- And there's no way I can do this for a living, ya know? We gotta get through this.  
  
Irvine- Buck up, boys! Just look on the bright side. Hordes of beautiful women will be clamoring to stuff gil down our shorts. What could be better?  
  
Seifer- You know, that would be a little more reassuring if we knew for certain which pairs of ravaging hands belonged to actual women, and which belonged to guys like you! *yelling at Irvine*  
  
Irvine- *getting right in Seifer's face* Don't be pointing fingers at me, /Muffy/, I know about that secret peep hole you have into Squall's dorm room. Don't deny it!  
  
Seifer- *looks guilty*  
Squall- What?!  
  
Zell- Always wondered who drilled that hole.  
  
Squall- You knew about this?  
  
Raijin- Everyone knows about it, ya know?  
  
Squall- That's it, I can't take anymore! There is no way this mission can get any worse.  
  
Costume Girl- Oh, boys. *wearing big grin as she enters from the back*  
  
Irvine- Oh dear......  
  
Costume Girl- Guess who's next?  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Backstage (on the other side, naturally) the girls are......ahem.....poking around.  
  
  
Quistis- Ok, we made it.  
  
Rinoa- I can't believe how easy that was. They didn't even question whether I was really a guy in drag or not.  
  
Fuujin- Yes......amazing......  
  
Quistis- So, who should we........*while looking around suddenly spots a rather large man, and I mean that in every possible way, wearing nothing but an eyepatch. And it's no where near his face*.......Oh....my.....  
  
Rinoa- I vote for asking him. Any arguments?  
  
Quistis and Fuujin- NO!  
  
Rinoa- Didn't think so. Umm, excuse me! *calling after the.....large....man, who turns back to the girls with a grin*  
  
Large Man- Hey there. You guys new?  
  
Quistis- She.....He......I mean, our friend here just got a job, and decided to show us around.  
  
Large man- Good for you. I've worked at my share of places like this, but "The Promise Land," beats them all.   
  
Fuujin- *eyes lingering where they probably shouldn't* Certainly seems that way from this angle.  
  
Rinoa- *elbows Fuujin* Yeah, I love it so far, too. Say, what do you like most about this place? I'm.......just curious, is all.  
  
Large Man- Well, the management's tops. Smart guys, great showmen, and......well, I'm sure you've seen 'em. *speaking to Rinoa, while a dreamy look spreads over his face*  
  
Rinoa- Right.......yeah.  
  
Quistis- So, you've met the bosses?  
  
Large Man- Of course. They hire all the talent.  
  
Fuujin- Any chance you know who they are?  
  
Quistis- *whispering* Oh, yeah, that's not suspicious.  
  
Large Man- Actually......I don't have a clue.  
  
Quistis- You don't? But they hired you, right?  
  
Large Man- They wear so much make-up, it's hard to tell. Only one man knows who they really are.  
  
Rinoa- Who's that?  
  
Large Man- I don't know his real name, but everyone calls him "Big Red." He trains most of the new guys. Haven't you met him?  
  
Rinoa- Umm......not yet. Actually, I was looking for him. Know where he might be?  
  
Large Man- Probably in his office. It's right through that door. *points to door down the hall*  
  
Quistis- Thanks alot......errm.....what was your name?  
  
Large Man- I'm, "The One-Eyed Pirate." At least on stage.  
  
Fuujin- But.......you're not missing an eye.  
  
Quistis- *whispering* Note the placement of the eyepatch one more time.  
  
Fuujin- Huh.......oh......  
  
The One-Eyed Pirate- Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you.  
  
Rinoa- Same here.  
  
The One-Eyed Pirate- I hope you don't mind, but this thing is terribly uncomfortable. *reaches down and swiftly removes said eyepatch* See you around. *walks away*  
  
Quistis- Why can't all missions be like this one?  
  
Rinoa- I don't know, but when this one's over, I'm taking him home.  
  
Fuujin- I don't think he'd be too interested once he finds out you're not a man.  
  
Rinoa- Damn. Well, he certainly was well junctioned.  
  
Quistis- As much as I hate to interrupt such lovely evil thoughts, we better get going.  
  
Rinoa- Yeah, we don't want him to get too far away.  
  
Quistis- Not after him, to the office, you freak!  
  
Rinoa- I meant that.......the office.....right......  
  
Fuujin- Sure you did.  
  
Rinoa- I swear.....!  
  
*doesn't notice shadowy figure approaching*  
  
Deep Voice- What are you doing here?  
  
*girls whirl around to face a man with long red hair, wearing a pornographically tight vinyl catsuit. His face, however, is hidden in shadow*  
  
Quistis- We're.....umm.....  
  
Rinoa- I'm showing them around! I'm new here.  
  
Deep Voice- I don't remember /you/ ever being hired, and the bosses tell me everything that goes on around here.  
  
Rinoa- They do?  
  
Fuujin- Then......are you..... "Big Red"?  
  
Big Red- That's what some call me. Now, who are you? Spill it, or I'll have security drag you out onto your "poor excuse for men in drag" disguised hides.  
  
Quistis- I'm not afraid of you! Just who do you think you are, hiding in the shadows like that? Too afraid to confront us face to face?  
  
Big Red- Ha! I could take you all on at once. *steps out from shadows, revealing his face. He's wearing makeup, but not so much that the girls can't tell who he really is*  
  
Rinoa- It's....it's.....  
  
Girls- RENO!  
  
Quistis- From FF7. I know you. You're that.....what are they called......Tick?  
  
Reno- That's Turk, sweetheart. And just who are you that you know so much? Could you be.......you're those SeeD brats aren't you?!  
  
Fuujin- That's right Tick Boy, and we're shutting this place down.  
  
Reno- It's Turk! And just how do you think you're gonna do that?  
  
*girls grin at each other....then at Reno....and suddenly......*  
  
Quistis- Get him!  
  
*.....they pounce. Reno doesn't stand a chance, and ends up with Quistis sitting on top of him while the other two hold his arms*  
  
Quistis- Now, we want answers and you're gonna give them to us.  
  
Reno- And if I don't?  
  
Rinoa- Then we won't let you go.  
  
Reno- Fine by me. I like this position. *winks up at Quistis*  
  
Quistis- *doesn't even flinch, just merely grins back at him, digging her fingernails into a rather low and tender area :-)*   
  
Reno- *eyes wide, in high pitched voice* You know, under different circumstances, this could be considered foreplay.  
  
Quistis- *digs fingernails deeper* Talk, Tick-head. Who's really running this place.  
  
Reno- Eeaayyy......do you know what they'd do to me if I told you that?  
  
Quistis- Do you know what I'll do to you if you don't?  
  
Rinoa- You better tell us, cause she means business.  
  
Fuujin- We basically know already, anyways, so you'd only be confirming.  
  
Quistis- The villains from FF7, FF9, and Xenogears. So, that would be.......  
  
Reno- Ok, ok! It's Sephiroth, Kuja, and Krelian! Happy?!  
  
Rinoa- Of course! The three silver-haired men!  
  
Fuujin- I thought Krelian's hair was blue.  
  
Quistis- I thought it was platinum.  
  
Reno- Actually, it's been both, but recently he dyed it silver to fit in. Oh, and by the way, would you kindly remove your nails of death from my.....!  
  
Quistis- Fine! Sheesh, so touchy.   
  
*girls let Reno up*  
  
Rinoa- Hey, if they're behind this, where do you come in?  
  
Reno- Are you kidding? When I heard Sephiroth talking about opening this joint, there's no way I could pass up an opportunity like that!  
  
Rinoa- .......ok.  
  
Announcer- Ladies and......those who wish they were ladies, "The Promise Land," proudly presents our newest talent for your viewing pleasure.......  
  
Quistis- *gasp* They're starting!  
  
Fuujin- What should we do?  
  
Rinoa- I suppose the right thing to do would be to help the guys somehow. You know.....stop them from performing?  
  
Fuujin- That's no fun.  
  
Rinoa- My thoughts exactly.  
  
Quistis- *grabbing Reno's collar as he tries to sneak away* Oh, Ticky, any chance you've got your stick with you?  
  
Reno- I think your nails already proved that one, remember?  
  
Quistis- Not that twig, I'm talking about your Electro-Mag Rod. Do you have it with you?  
  
Reno-......yeah.......why?  
  
Quistis- I think I know the perfect way to get a front row seat at the best show in town, and close this place up.......all at once.  
  
Rinoa- How's that?  
  
Quistis- *leading Reno further backstage* Follow me.......  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Part 6! About time, huh? The best is yet to come! Please keep reviewing! PLEASE! I'll give you a cookie. :-)  
  



	7. On The Catwalk!!!

*Clears throat* As we join our lovable Final Fantasy VIII characters......*what, you thought I was gonna say something else?*......Selphie and Edea are anxiously waiting for the show to begin. Actually, so am I......  
  
  
Announcer- Ladies and......those who wish they were ladies, "The Promise Land," proudly presents our newest talent for your viewing pleasure.......  
  
Selphie- Woohoo! I knew this mission would pay off.  
  
Announcer- These are our freshest faces, so I hope you all give them a warm welcome......  
  
Voice from the back- We'll give them alot more than that!  
  
Edea- Oh dear, you don't think the boys will be traumatized by this, do you?  
  
Announcer- Please put your hands together......  
  
Selphie- Who cares! I wanna see skin!  
  
Edea- Selphie..........I like the way you think. Bring 'em on!  
  
Announcer- ......for our usual preview to the nights long line of entertainment, here's a little runway action for the new blood! Please welcome Tabby Stevens, Paris Valentine, Muffy La Rue, Fifi Charmaign, and "The Cowgirl"!  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Who do you think we're going to next? :-)  
  
  
Zell- Please don't make me go! Please don't make me do it!  
  
Seifer- Let go of my leg, you feathered freak! *fiercely attempting to wiggle out of Zell's grasp*  
  
Irvine- Don't sweat it Zell, it won't be so bad.  
  
Raijin- Yeah, ya know? You'll make a few gil.  
  
Zell- Please, I just can't face those beady eyes, the high-pitched squeals, the grabbing, dear Hyne, the grabbing! And that's just Selphie I'm worried about!  
  
Irvine- Hey!  
  
Squall- Damnit, Zell, be a man! We can't turn back now.  
  
Zell- I don't wanna be a man! I don't wanna be a bird either! I am not a piece of meat! Please, I just wanna go home.......*sniffles, with big, puppy-dog eyes*........you'll let me go home, won't you, Squall?  
  
Squall- Not a chance in Hell! If I have to go out there in this flimsy excuse for clothing, so do you! *grabs Zell's arms, and begins dragging him on stage*  
  
Seifer- *with a big grin as the others follow Squall and a struggling Zell through the curtain* Well, if we gotta do this, we sure as Hell better enjoy it.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Backstage Quistis, Fuujin, Rinoa, and a reluctant Reno are standing near the fuse box with a nice, clear view of the stage.  
  
  
Quistis- Ok, here's the plan: I'll use Reno's Electro-Mag Rod to short out the fuses, the lights will go out, mayhem will ensue, and we can then confront the villains without fear of civilian casualty.  
  
Rinoa- Sounds good to me.  
  
Reno- I'm technically a civilian. Does that mean I can leave when the lights go out?  
  
Quistis- Fuujin, if you'd do the honors?  
  
Fuujin- RAGE! *brutally kicks Reno in his recently damaged area* Thanks, I needed that.  
  
Reno- *groans incoherently*  
  
Rinoa- So, Quis.......aren't you gonna use the rod?  
  
Quistis- Rinoa, look on stage. What do you see?  
  
Rinoa- Some skinny guy in white leather dragging a giant bird. Wait.......is that......?  
  
Quistis- Uh huh.  
  
Rinoa-.......I see.  
  
Quistis- I think we can wait a bit.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Shall we join the show?  
  
  
Raijin- We're on stage, ya know? Now what?  
  
Woman 1- Shake that sexy bod!  
  
Irvine- I guess we listen to them. *begins gyrating suggestively as women, men, and some......it's anyone's best guess........begin hooting and hollering with approval*  
  
Seifer- Well....when in Rome. *follows Irvine's example, showing off a little leg with the slits in his red, sequin gown*  
  
Raijin- *moving like a lap dancer* I guess this isn't so bad, ya know?  
  
Woman 2- Take it off!  
  
Man in drag 1- *reaches up to stuff a gil in Squall's micro-mini, digging rather low* Show us what ya got, sugar!  
  
Squall- Eeyyaaa!   
  
Raijin- Maybe I spoke too soon, ya know?  
  
Irvine- *getting into his performance* Come on boys, let's give 'em what they want! *whips cowboy.....I mean cowgirl hat, out into the crowd*  
  
Seifer- *removes long white gloves that are apart of his ensemble* And I thought this would be hard!  
  
Squall- You're enjoying this? Are you out of your mind?! *swiping unwanted hands away* Get out of my skirt!  
  
Raijin- There's nothing about that sentence coming from Squall's mouth that doesn't sound very, very wrong. *crowd begins to grab at his veils and the waist of his puffy, Arabian pants* I'm not trained for this, ya know?!  
  
Man in drag 2- I'll teach ya, sexy.  
  
Raijin- Help me, ya kno.....ow! Don't touch that!  
  
Zell- *had been huddled in the center of the stage, and is now attempting to crawl to safety* ......nice, nice icee......nice, nice icee.......nice, ni.......ahhhhh! *crazed woman...at least Zell hopes it's a woman...grabs onto his ankles and begins to pull him off stage* No, someone save me! Squall!  
  
Squall- Don't yell for me! I've got my own problems! *desperately trying to fend off a man in a mesh tank top and hotpants*  
  
Zell- *noticing Selphie and Edea just to his left, very much enjoying the show* Selph! Matron! Help me!  
  
Selphie- Sure thing, Zelly! *pushes the woman hanging onto Zell's ankles out of the way, only to grab a handful of feathers herself, and........  
  
Zell- What are you.....?! NOOOOooooooo!  
  
*.....yanks. Zell tumbles off the stage, feathers flying. When he lands, he has only a moment to realize 'at least the feathers aren't chaffing him anymore, though the breeze is a bit unwelcome', before getting mauled by a very horny crowd*  
  
Edea- Selphie, what did you do?  
  
Selphie- Ummm........oops?  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Meanwhile, backstage......  
  
  
Rinoa- Ummm....as entertaining as this is, maybe we'd better kill the power now. I don't think the boys can hold out much longer.  
  
Fuujin- In Zell's case, I think we're already too late.  
  
Quistis- Alright, I'm gonna do it. Get ready, guys......*charges up Reno's Electro-Mag Rod, swings back with for full force, and........strikes the fuse box*  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Onstage......  
  
  
Squall- *if possible, wearing even less than he was before* They're like sharks at a feeding frenzy!  
  
Raijin- Help, ya know?! They got me! *being pulled kicking and screaming into the mass of hormone-enraged customers*  
  
Zell- *screams echoing from below the dog pile on top of him* AHHHHhhhhhhhh! No more, please........!  
  
Seifer- Another minute of this and.......  
  
*suddenly, just as all hope seems lost, crackles and sparks burst from backstage, and everything goes dark. An uproar of commotion bursts through the club as customers and talent alike run for the exists, thoughts of burglars or a fire flashing through their minds. When the dust clears, the backup system kicks into gear, and the lights pop back on, revealing a very mangled mess of SeeD's as the only occupants left*  
  
Raijin- ......the pain.....ya....know....?  
  
Zell- *completely free of feathers as he desperately reaches for a tablecloth to wrap around his waist* No amount of gil was worth that! I've been violated!  
  
Squall- *luckily still wearing his flimsy white leather, though it is torn in......all the right places* You're not the only one! After awhile I couldn't tell my own body parts from those deranged freaks trying to get a piece of me!  
  
Irvine- *apparently no worse for the wear* Let's do it again! *ducks as random objects are thrown at his head* Ouch! I was.....just kidding.......really.......  
  
Seifer- Don't worry, I don't think you'll be doing a mission like this ever again.  
  
Squall- You've got that right! I'll think twice before accepting our next one.  
  
Seifer- Actually, what I meant was.......you won't be doing /any/ missions.  
  
Squall- *turning towards Seifer, and noticing for the first time just how suspicious his long silver wig really is* What do you mean by that.......?  
  
*Seifer grins widely, and is suddenly joined by three other silvered-haired men, plus one red head.*  
  
Irvine- This doesn't look good.  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Part 7! One more to go! Fanfiction.net's problems sure has made this difficult, but don't let that stop you from reading........or reviewing! Please!  
  



	8. Crime & Punishment

As we join our lovable........oh, what's the use! Just read the last part, ok?  
  
  
Raijin- It's Sephiroth, Kuja, and Krelian, ya know? And....is that....Reno?  
  
*It is, in fact, Reno, holding a very angered Quistis. Kuja has Rinoa, Krelian has Fuujin, and Sephiroth........has style, what else?*  
  
Squall- What's going on here? Seifer, did you have something to do with all this?  
  
Seifer- Finally catching on, eh, Puberty Boy? I set the whole thing up!  
  
Squall- What?!  
  
Zell- So Squall was right. You really do have a secret life as a kinky male prostitute, dreaming of one day owning your own burlesque house for misunderstood villains from popular video games!   
  
Sephiroth- That's right! And we helped that dream come true.  
  
Kuja- Finally you pathetic goodie goods will realize the truth! When it comes to flashy clothes, silver hair, sexy bods, and evil.......you don't stand a chance!  
  
Zell- But, how did you all ending up working together?  
  
Sephiroth- Simple; Krelian tried to create God, Kuja tried to play God, I am a god........it just seemed so right.  
  
Irvine- How does Seifer fit in then?  
  
Seifer- That's even easier. There's more than one thing you can be a god at......right Quisty? *grinning over at her as she glares daggers back at....well, more than likely, her /ex/-boyfriend*  
  
Quistis- I'm going to hurt you.  
  
Fuujin- Seifer, what the hell.......I mean...errm......EXPLAIN!  
  
Seifer- Don't worry, Fuuj, it's all in good fun.  
  
Raijin- Fun? I almost got molested, ya know?  
  
Zell- I acted like a chicken, dressed like a freakin' parrot, and lost a whole lot more than just some stupid costume after that performance! What's going on?!  
  
Krelian- We needed performers, and Seifer had a bone to pick with you. What else is there to know?  
  
Rinoa- But.....I thought we were all friends now. Why were you mad at us, Seifer?  
  
Seifer- Why? Why?! You know why! I didn't get a single frickin' present for my birthday, that's why?!  
  
Quistis- *dawning a secretive smirk* What about mine?  
  
Seifer- Oh yeah.........but that still doesn't make up for the rest of you!  
  
Squall- You jerk, we were on a major mission protecting the new president of Galbadia that week! I almost got shot! When did we have to go shopping for some stupid.....!  
  
Rinoa- Squall! I don't think you're helping the situation. Seifer, listen to me, we're really sorry. We'll do whatever you want to make up for it, ok? But......hooking up with these freakish, twisted, manipulating, evil-minded villains, that's just wrong!  
  
Kuja- I resent that remark. I'm not manipulating.  
  
Seifer- Can it, princess! There's only one thing I want.  
  
Squall- And what's that.....?  
  
Seifer- For my new romantic dream to remain a reality! And that means.......you've all got new night jobs.  
  
Zell- You better be kidding!  
  
Seifer- Come on, I'll even pay you. We make a killing with this place.  
  
Zell- No way! Some things you sell you can get back, but other stuff......you just can't!  
  
Krelian- That line sounded suspiciously copyrighted.......  
  
Seifer- If you don't do what I say then.......then......  
  
Sephiroth- We'll just have to confiscate these lovely ladies. *indicating Quistis, Fuujin, and Rinoa*  
  
Reno- Oooooo, can I keep the feisty one? *meaning Quistis* I hear you have a whip. Care to use it for a little pleasurable recreation?  
  
Quistis- How about I use it to snap off your.....  
  
Seifer- Enough! Besides.......she's mine.  
  
Irvine- So......how are we going to solve this?  
  
Kuja- I guess we'll just have to force you to join our show.  
  
*villains begin to advance on the poor, defenseless, and scantily clad SeeDs, when suddenly.......*  
  
Laguna- Are we late? Did we miss the show?  
  
Squall- Dad?!  
  
  
*****  
  
  
I bet you're wondering what happened to Selphie and Edea. Well, you see, when the lights went out, they ran to the wall, to avoid being trampled. When the lights came back on, and they realized the situation developing, they quickly climbed up onto the catwalk in the rafters using the ladder near the side of the stage. They are now looking down on the group below.  
  
  
Edea- Oh my, I have a really bad feeling about this.   
  
Selphie- Why? We're safe.  
  
Edea- But how are we going to help the others?  
  
Selphie- Ummm........we could climb over to those wires, hop onto the scaffold, and then drop the ceiling lights down on the villains below. That way, we're safe, and we help the gang out, too.  
  
Edea- Why, that's brilliant, Dear!  
  
Selphie- Thanks! Hey.......*gasp*........is that Sir Laguna! *leans a little too far over the edge of the rafters......*  
  
Edea- Selphie, don't......! *sadly, it is too late, and the pixie brunette falls over the edge, with a very unfortunate Edea following behind her after trying to pull the girl back up*  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Down below......  
  
  
Zell- Laguna? What are you doing here?  
  
*Laguna Loire, flanked by his buddies, Kiros and Ward, has entered the establishment, and is now approaching the others*  
  
Laguna- Uhhhh.......I.......  
  
Irvine- You came to rescue us!?  
  
Laguna- Right! That's why we're here! It's not as if we secretly come here every Saturday night using my presidential discount or anything.  
  
Ward- .........  
  
Kiros- Ward says, you can't lie worth crap.  
  
Laguna- *whispers* Shut up!  
  
Squall- You are /not/ related to me.  
  
Seifer- As much as I hate to interrupt this lovely family reunion, weren't we in the middle of something!  
  
*before anyone can respond, some unwanted guests suddenly drop in. Edea lands on a corner of the tablecloth Zell was using, causing him to loose it, and Selphie lands heavily on top of Sephiroth*  
  
Zell- Damn, not again!  
  
Edea- My, my, you've certainly grown up nicely, haven't you, Zelly-boy?  
  
Zell- Ack! *rips tablecloth out from under Edea, once again tying it around his waist* Stop looking at me like that! You're like my mother!  
  
Edea- Then come to Mama!  
  
Zell- *hides behind Irvine* When am I gonna wake up?  
  
Sephiroth- Get off me! *struggling from underneath Selphie*  
  
Selphie- *doesn't move* Hey Sephiroth! Wow, you're even sexier in person. Can I have your autograph?  
  
Sephiroth- I said, get off, you twit!  
  
Selphie- *still doesn't move* Hey, ever notice we have the same nickname? Sephy and Sefie! Ain't that nifty!  
  
Irvine- Selphie, get off of him right now!   
  
Raijin- Are you jealous of Sephiroth or Selphie? Cause my votes on the silver one, ya know?  
  
Squall- Hold it! Selphie, don't move! With Sephiroth down, we've got them surrounded!  
  
Seifer- *looking around frantically as he realizes the villains are indeed outmatched* Wait.....Squall.....we can talk about this, can't we?  
  
*the good guys begin to corner the helpless villains. Poor babies. :-)*  
  
Squall- You made me wear a wig, pick out a humiliating drag name, slip on this white leather skirt half the size of a g-string, and then nearly got me mauled by a bunch of ravaging who knows what trying to rip it all off, and you think we're gonna talk?!  
  
Raijin- I thought we were friends, ya know?   
  
Irvine- Look what you've done to Zell! He'll never recover!  
  
Zell- *wrapping tablecloth tighter and tighter around himself*........nice, nice icee......nice, nice icee........  
  
Edea- It's ok, my little Zelly-bear.  
  
Zell- *sobs uncontrollably*  
  
Krelian- I'm beginning to think this was a very bad idea........  
  
Reno- Wait! We've still got the girls! Get back, or we'll.....we'll.....  
  
*while Reno's trying to think of something threatening, Quistis slams her head back into Reno's forehead, stomps on his foot, slips out of his arms as he stumbles back in pain, and then comes around to put the fumbling red-head in a headlock*  
  
Quistis- You'll what?  
  
Reno- Ummm......anyone?  
  
  
*****  
  
  
Considering the poor, innocent villains didn't stand a chance, the SeeD's quickly overtook them. At least, the ones able to function normally did. Zell's still in recovery. Once the villains were apprehended, they were returned to their own worlds for punishment. Reno, however, well........let's just say he was very happy to go home, and probably won't be having children any time soon. That Quistis is a vicious one. As for Seifer...........  
  
  
Squall- As punishment for your......indescribably immoral behavior......you'll be happy to know we've decided not to expel you from Garden......  
  
Seifer- Really? Oh, thank you so much! I swear I'll.....  
  
Squall- BUT.........there is a catch.  
  
Seifer- .......catch?  
  
Squall- *grinning evilly* You have to clean Garden from top to bottom.......  
  
Seifer- That's not so bad......  
  
Squall- .....with a toothbrush......  
  
Seifer- .......ok.  
  
Squall- ......and.......you have to do it wearing your drag costume.  
  
Seifer- WHAT?!  
  
  
*****  
  
  
The next day..........  
  
  
Seifer- *on hands and knees in front of the directory, with toothbrush, in that flattering Jessica Rabbit getup, complete with silver wig, makeup, and a lovely manicure by Selphie* This is so degrading.  
  
Quistis- You're the one who was willing to be seen in that ensemble for a living. What's the difference?  
  
Seifer- This is Garden! People who respect and fear me live here! What will this do to my reputation?!  
  
Quistis- You betrayed Garden, tried to turn us over to an evil sorceress, nearly got everyone killed, and you think you still have a good reputation?  
  
Seifer- I didn't say it was a good one.  
  
Quistis- *standing behind Seifer, and very much enjoying the view* Personally, I think this could be a step up for you.  
  
Rinoa- *bounding from the walkway on Squall's arm* Hey Seifer! We just came from visiting Zell in the Infirmary.  
  
Quistis- The Infirmary? Is he hurt?  
  
Squall- Psychiatric evaluation.  
  
Quistis- Oh......  
  
Rinoa- He wanted me to deliver a message to you, as a way of paying you back for everything that happened.  
  
Seifer- This can't be good.  
  
Squall- It is in my opinion.  
  
Rinoa- He just wanted you to know, that he pulled some strings to get the Garden schedule changed around a bit.  
  
Seifer- What does that have to do with me?  
  
Rinoa- Oh, nothing.......just that........it's student orientation day today. Bye!  
  
*Squall and Rinoa swiftly walk away as Quistis bursts out laughing*  
  
Seifer- WHAT?!  
  
*just then, a hoard of kids and their parents come charging through the Garden doors, right up to the directory*  
  
Quistis- I'm so glad we have security cameras. This tape's going in my private collection.  
  
Seifer- Damn you, Chicken-Wuss!  
  
Young Boy- Mommy, why's that man dressed like Uncle Bernice?  
  
  
*****  
  
  
The End!! Praise Hyne!! My second pure humor fic ever, and I'm so proud. Chalk full of sexual innuendoes, and oh so much kinky fun! Tell me what you thought, oh dear and wonderful fanfic readers. I love you all!  
  



End file.
